The Walking Assholes


“How many walkers have you killed?”

“How many people have you killed?”


~ Rick Grimes, when considering allowing a new person to join his group

Walkers. Biters. Lurkers. Roamers. Lamebrains. The undead. The walking dead. They go by many names, but for some reason on The Walking Dead, nobody ever calls them zombies. Regardless, in the post-apocalyptic world in which the monstrously successful show is set, they are the enemy…or at least they should be. One would think that in a world such as this, the remaining humans – no matter where they come from or who they were before the shit hit the fan – would all band together and become a united force against a common enemy.

Of course, if you’ve ever seen the show, you’d be wrong about that very valid assumption. Instead of cooperating if for no other reason to ensure the continuation of the human race, the human characters have created new families, breaking into various camps, factions or other assorted groups – and they all seem to be at war with one another. Of course you have to think about the limited amount of readily available resources, such as food, gas, and weaponry to stave off the hoards of mindless monsters that have only one goal, but you’d still think that the survivors would unite to create more of those resources.

Still not the case. With each passing week on The Walking Dead, it seems that one character after another meets their demise at the hands of another warm-blooded rival. It would make little sense in the real world, if the zombie apocalypse were to ever descend upon us, but let me tell you, it makes for some of the most intense and emotional drama I may have ever seen on television. The show would have gotten prohibitively boring long ago if the hours were filled with scrappy survivors shooting zombies and wandering around.

The show’s main characters, led by former sheriff Rick Grimes, have already faced The Governor, a most charming murderer in charge of a gated Beaver Cleaver-ville that looks perfect on the surface; the Wolves, a bunch of crazed maniacs who carved the letter W into their foreheads, and are set to go up against Negan, the leader of a group called The Saviors, but who has not yet been revealed. I have heard from people who read The Walking Dead graphic novels that Negan makes The Governor look like a sissy, and that he likes to beat his victims’ heads in with a baseball bat. So, that will be fun.

Rumors constantly swirl among the show’s massive fan base, as fans wait, riddled with anxiety, for the next one of their favorite characters to bite the dust. Will it be Daryl? Will it be Glenn? They’ve already found themselves in very tight spots, and speculation has abounded that one of them will meet their end during the Season 6 finale. So get your “If Darryl Dies, We Riot” shirt ready and use it to soak up your tears if everybody’s favorite crossbow-toting redneck gets written of the show in a most unfortunate way.

The age-old question of “can’t we all just get along?” has already been answered by The Walking Dead, and even though the answer seems silly, it makes for superior drama.


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