The Joys of Owning a Home (An Open Letter to an Uninvited Guest)

Dear Raccoon,

You are a far cry from the cute, funny creatures that provided much of the comedy in the John Candy/Dan Aykroyd hit The Great Outdoors. I have never known your kind to be such a menace until you invaded my home. One summer night two years ago, one of you (it may have even been YOU) crashed through a drop ceiling tile in the backroom of my house, only to be chased out by one of my hapless roommates who thought someone was breaking into the house. All was quiet after that night for quite a long time, so I believed your trespass to be an isolated incident, and went on with my life. Upon your recent return, if it is indeed you, I have been forced to learn much about you. I learned about how equally intelligent and destructive you are. Continue reading